Ignited Tears
by Bloody Winged
Summary: -Mangaverse- Edward Elric’s life had always been defined by his goals. So what if his new goal was something no-one but himself knew about? And what did it have to do with Roy Mustang? Roy/Ed


_**Ignited Tears**_  
_**Pairing:**_ Ed/Roy  
_**Word Count:**_ 21,140  
_**Warnings:**_ angst, some sap  
_**Summary:**_ Edward Elric's life had always been defined by his goals. So what if his new goal was something no-one but himself knew about? And what did it have to do with Roy Mustang?  
_**Authors Note:**_ Mangaverse. I'll try to avoid any spoilers, though some at the very least will be unavoidable. Since the manga isn't finished yet, I'll go with my vague belief of how it _could_ end. Please don't make my life hell just because it isn't set in stone yet (Just to make sure everyone knows from where I'm going, we're currently at chapter 103).  
_**Extra Note:**_ Written for fma_big_bang on lifejournal. I'm well aware that there probably will be hundreds of ff about this specific topic in the future, but frankly, I don't care. I couldn't go with my original idea for this anymore, so I had to improvise. This was the first idea that I had. Deal with it :P  
_**Artist:**_ My dear wife Mayra (mayracs on lj) was my partner in crime here ^___^ Check out her sweet pic of the two of them through the link in my profile ^___^ :D

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_**Ignited Tears**_

It had only been a few hours, but he still wasn't too sure if what he thought to be reality, really _was_ the truth. Some part of him wanted to believe that he was still asleep, that he never had gotten up and that all that had happened during these last, grueling hours were nothing but a nightmare.

The logical part of his brain pointed out that these were the common signs for shock; that he was going into denial. And most of him would have embraced the very idea of getting away from this with open arms. Only…

Only he knew it wouldn't work. He could cling to the thought of this all being nothing but a nightmare for however long he wanted, but it wouldn't change the facts. Denial wouldn't make everything that happened go away, wouldn't make reality change.

Hughes would have said that he would have to get up at one point and face the truth of reality again, but that thought only was like a slap to his face. Facing reality. Yeah, good joke. That he thought that Maes would have been the one telling him to do so only made it all the more ironic.

A disgusted snort could be heard coming from him, though he couldn't care less.

Facing reality. Looking truth in the face. All these wonderful metaphors for getting your life back on track held the implication of actually _seeing_ something. And while he knew that in this case it wasn't meant in the sense of seeing with your eyes, but with your mind, to see reason, he couldn't help the bitter edge of his inner voice. After all, _seeing_ was something that he would never be able to do ever again.

Oddly enough, that in itself wasn't even what made him feel so… _out_ of sorts. As he chose the path for his fight today he had been prepared for the worst, had never expected to actually live through it all. Getting away from all this with only his sight taken away was a stroke of luck, if one really considered some of the alternatives. Not something he would have wished for himself, no, but certainly not the worst outcome.

No, what left him feeling so lost was the loss of his goal, the loss of all he had striven for these last months; years even. He had had his revenge, the military was taken over and while _he_ wasn't the one in charge, right now he couldn't bring himself to care. He knew someone capable was in charge for a change and while he knew that the changes that he wanted to bring on were unlikely to happen under the new Führer, he had come to accept that he was only one man. And while he was more ambitious than most, he wasn't capable of weaving wonders.

Right now he was also more concerned of how he was even supposed to get his life back under control. Trying for something of the magnitude of state and interstate-affairs made him wince just thinking about. The last thing the people of Amestris needed right now was someone who led them to their doom simply because he couldn't even see what he was doing.

He was pulled out of his thoughts as the door to his hospital room opened. His muscles tensed even before he could think about it, preparing him for fight or flight just in case. That wasn't a surprise – he knew that the adrenaline would flow through his veins for a few more hours. Having just come back from a fight of that magnitude not one hour ago – or was it longer already? He had always prided himself on his sense of time, but without any means to check he was left floundering – it would take some more time for his body to re-adjust to a state of peace. And seeing that he had to deal with the loss of his sight on top of that, it probably would take longer than usual.

"Ah, Colonel Mustang, I've wondered where they had put you. I'm Doctor Philips. I'll check you over to see if you have any injuries that we should know about and to see if I can do something for your eyes." A friendly baritone voice told him before the man was even half-way through the room. That, more than anything else, gave Roy the inkling that the man wasn't dealing with newly blind people for the first time. Somehow that set him on ease, even though he knew that there wasn't anything the good doctor could do to his eyes that would change the fact that he was blind now. However, he wasn't feeling bad enough to make the poor doctor's job even more difficult, so he decided to get this probing over with what grace he had left.

The doctor's hands were sure and steady, his voice calm and professional as he talked with Roy while checking him over. He warned him before whatever action he chose to do next and never took it personally that the black-haired man just wasn't feeling all that talkative right now, never saying more than he absolutely needed to help the man along with his diagnosis. At the end it didn't matter. The result was no different than Roy had already anticipated and resented himself to. There was nothing to be done about his eyes.

"Well, other than a few scratches and bruises, you're physically fit. A bit exhausted maybe, but that is to be expected after the fight you seem to have gone through. You also have used a bit more of your alchemy than I feel comfortable with – I know that you realize that this is draining for your body too, Sir. However, it doesn't matter right now. If you want you can go home, though I would feel better if you would at least stay here for the night, purely for observational purposes. With the scans that we have made of your eyes after you have come in earlier it is pretty much clear for us that the reason why you have lost your sight lies in the nerves that connect your eyes to your brain – they simply seem to have vanished. There also are a few other oddities that I would like to look at again tomorrow, just to see if they'll present any danger for you in the future. Will that be ok with you, Sir?"

Roy just nodded, not really caring either way. Usually he would try to get out of the hospital at the first possible chance, but right now the much-hated atmosphere actually gave him a safe haven. Going home would mean being on his own, _dealing_ with this all on his own. That was something he just didn't want to consider just yet.

And so, in true fashion of someone who had made procrastination a new art form, he laid back after the doctor had left him to his own devices again, and fell into a deep but unsettled slumber.

~*~H~*~

"I should have known that something as trivial as losing his sight wouldn't keep him from sleeping while there is still work to do."

The voice was vaguely familiar, a strange comfort in the dark that was surrounding him, penetrating the sleep-induced haze in which he still found himself in.

"Don't you think you're being a bit hard on him? It was a trying day for us all. And the shock probably isn't helping."

A female voice this time, one he could identify even with his eyes closed and half asleep – he had done so many times before after all. The early morning hours in the office were nothing if not gruesome. So Hawkeye was defending him for being lazy for once. Hm. Wonders certainly never ceased.

"I'm not saying he has no right to rest. I certainly could use a good nap myself. But there are still things that need to get sorted out first. Only because the military has someone to take care of it doesn't mean life will simply go on as usual."

Wasn't that the truth? Roy nearly snorted at that, catching himself at the last possible moment. It wouldn't do to give away the fact that he wasn't asleep any longer. By now he had been able to put a name to the second voice. It very clearly belonged to Fullmetal, though what the boy was doing in his hospital room of all the places he could be, he couldn't figure out for the life of him. As far as he knew, Alphonse was somewhere in this hospital too. And he would have thought that his subordinate would fight for his right to stay at his younger brother's side with teeth and nails if necessary.

A tired sounding sigh came from the direction where the black-haired man estimated the two of them to be standing for their discussion. Having identified the voice as the boys, his brain promptly delivered a matching image of him running fingers through his bangs, a gesture that Roy had become more than familiar with over the time Fullmetal had been working for him.

"You should go back to bed, Lieutenant. I'll take care of the Colonel, I've talked with the doctor and with some of the nurses that have checked us all over. You, however, shouldn't be up just yet. Only because your life isn't in danger anymore doesn't mean you should get out of bed already. As far as I'm informed you have at least one week of bed rest to look forward to."

Ok, apparently he was still dreaming. There was no way he could have heard that one right, on several accounts. First of all: Who had died and made Edward god, giving him the right to apparently implore on all their health? And since when did the boy care anyway? Not to forget that there was still the question of what was going on with Alphonse. Why wasn't the blond sitting on his bedside? This was all just a bit too strange for him.

His internal musings made him miss the next part of the discussion, but apparently Fullmetal had won the argument, shockingly enough. The next time he heard that familiar voice it was much nearer to the bed and another set of footsteps had left the room only a few seconds ago.

"Ok lazy-ass, time to stop pretending you're still asleep. I know that you've been awake for quite some time now." The teen demanded, making Roy blink in surprise, a habit more than anything, seeing that he certainly wasn't blinking in an effort to have a clearer image, and effectively ruining his cover.

"How did you know?" he wanted to know, honestly taken aback by the unusual observant behavior of his subordinate. There was an audible shrug in Ed's voice as he spoke next.

"Your breathing changed. After years of having that as my only sign to know if Al is sleeping or not, I've gotten rather good at recognizing if someone fakes sleep or not."

He should have known. Of _course_ it had to do with Alphonse. But…

"Al breaths?" he asked, finding that there have been way too many surprises since he had woken up.

"Yeah, he does, now. Before it was more like an imitation of breathing that his mind made him do just out of habit. I'm pretty sure that it's a good thing too. I would have been really pissed if, when we finally got his body back, he died because he simply forgot to breath."

The line was delivered casually, more relaxed than he had ever heard the other talk. Apparently everything was going right with the younger Elric then. But he still needed to know for sure.

"Then everything went ok? Alphonse has his body back?" he asked, not sure if he dared to believe what his mind was telling him. It nettled on him, this need to ask so many questions, but right now he couldn't trust what his mind was telling him. And he had always been about facts. Knowing what was going on around him had saved his life multiple times. This might not be a life-or-death situation – not anymore at least – but he still considered it valuable knowledge.

"Yeah. We managed to pull his body back after the chaos hit its climax. It will take him some time to get used to it again and he has some serious readjusting to do, but Mei and teacher are with him right now and see to it that everything is going right. The doctors are pretty optimistic that all he needs physically is proper nourishment and some rest. Mei actually had some suggestions of how she could help him along with her alchemy. Which is why I left it mainly to her and teacher – the two of them are good with what they are doing and I'm not needed there right now."

It was an admission if Roy ever heard one. For Edward to admit that his brother didn't need him… the world sure had changed during the last few hours.

"So why are you here?" he had to ask, truly curious as for his intentions. Obviously Fullmetal did belief that he had to be where he was needed. But why was he here then?

He heard a noise that was probably an exaggerated sigh and had to grin inwardly. Good to know that at least _some_ things never changed.

"You have been to the gate." It was a statement, no question. It also was pretty pointless in Roy's opinion. He wouldn't have been there if these bastards hadn't forced him to open the gate.

"…And?" he asked for clarification after it was clear that the blond wouldn't deliver it on his own.

"And teacher and I believe that I'll be able to help you. She probably could too, but we both agree that I'm more suited for the job."

That sounded like they had discussed him as they would over an alchemical experiment. Nice to know that he rated that high with the both of them. However, he was pretty sure that there was something important in that statement.

"Help me how?" he asked again after thinking it over for a few seconds, frowning slightly. Apparently they knew something he didn't.

He heard another sigh and then he felt the edge of his mattress dip slightly under the weight of someone sitting on it, startling him somewhat. One thing he certainly hadn't expected was the sudden feeling of… _familiarity_ between the two of them that made these close quarters actually comfortable. Nor would he have expected for Ed to actually move so close out of his own free will.

"Teacher and I have a theory about how you might be able to regain something akin to your sight. Not to the same degree as it had been, obviously, but something similar." The teen explained, his voice calm.

_THAT_ piqued the older man's interest. "How so?"

"Since you have been to the gate, you obviously have been exposed to the information that lies there. It doesn't matter if you wanted or not, but you must have come across it while you went through. Otherwise there wouldn't have been a point in taking your sight away. Am I right?"

Now that he thought of it… there was a lot of stuff in his head that he was pretty sure he hadn't known about before his encounter with the gate. And thinking back at that forced transmutation…

A slight shudder went through him, jogging his memory and making him wish he hadn't thought about it. This definitely was something he could have done without. At last, he nodded.

Ed, obviously having seen his slight nod and the shudder running through his frame, continued.

"Our encounter with the gate is what made us – teacher, Al and me – able to do alchemy with just our bodies. We created a circle with our hands and the knowledge was filled in right from our mind. Since you still remember being there, by all rights you should now be able to do the same."

Yeah, he had thought that that might be the case. However, as long as he was blind it wouldn't be of much use for him, seeing that he wouldn't be able to see what he needed to do. He wondered where Ed was going with his explanation, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

"Now we're coming to the tricky part of our theory. Due to your specialization to fire-alchemy you already have a pretty good handle on the elements in the air. With the extra knowledge that you now possess it should be possible for you to 'see' through them. Not so much through your eyes as through feeling where what is. I'm not sure if it would work all the time – it is still alchemy after all and no-one would be able to perform it constantly – but it should be possible for a definite timeframe. I already know that it is possible to perform two different kinds of alchemy at one time, so you would only need to learn how to do that too and you'll be able to use your fire-alchemy as you're used to it."

Roy had to admit, the theory had some merit. He wouldn't go as far yet as to say that it was something that would definitely work, but it certainly was worth a try. It shouldn't hurt and there was nothing he really could lose over it. He told the blond as much.

"Good. Now that it is clear that you'll need me, I'm going to make arrangements for tomorrow."

The black-haired man had a sinking feeling over that.

"Tomorrow?" he asked, cautiously.

"Yep, tomorrow. I'm not sure if you're aware, but you'll get released tomorrow. I'll have to make sure that I have everything ready that I'll need to move in with you for now."

Move in with him?

"Wait a moment. Who said that you're going to move in with me?"

"I said it. And you better get used to the idea pretty soon. I don't fancy being around a cranky bastard all day for however long I'll be there."

Understandable, though that still didn't answer his question. He certainly wouldn't have thought that Fullmetal would move in with _him_ of all people out of his own free will.

"And dare I ask why you think it will be necessary for you to move in with me?"

The sarcasm was now very clearly hearable from his voice, but he didn't care. He didn't care if Ed thought this might be a good idea, he didn't like having his space invaded. And certainly not by cocky subordinates who thought they needed to take over control of his life.

"I thought we just established that I'm the only person – aside from teacher and Al, who are neither in a position to do so, nor do they have any reason to – who will be able to help you with this. And I'm not sure if you noticed, but you're blind now. It might be a strange concept for you, but at least for the first few weeks you _will_ need someone who will help you to find your way around in your own house. Again, I'm the only sensible option for that. Most of the others are either injured, bound up with their duty to the military to a point where they won't be able to leave for any extended period of time, aren't in a position to help you if you need it or simply don't have any interest in helping you at all. You're stuck with me Mustang, deal with it."

~*~H~*~

And that was that. Edward certainly had made it clear enough to him that right now he would either have to deal with the blond, or he would have to try on his own. He wasn't dumb enough to attempt the second option, no matter how much his pride screamed that he didn't need _anyone_. So, with great reluctance, he took the younger alchemist's advice to heart and dealt with it.

The move in itself went actually pretty well. A nurse from the hospital placed him in a wheelchair as soon as he was released and brought him to the waiting car right outside of the main entrance. Then, together with Ed, he was brought to his home by one of the official drivers of the military. Once there it was easier as he had thought it would be to actually find his way to the door and, after that, opening it and going inside. It was a slow progress, but he managed for the most part.

During these first few minutes with his new houseguest he also realized that having the blond around wouldn't be _too_ awful. While he knew that Ed would help him whenever he _needed_ help, he didn't hover. He simply followed him as he made his own way, watching out for him but never making it seem like he was an invalid.

Maybe he had been right. Having him here while learning to deal with this new problem was definitely turning out to be a good idea. Seeing that the younger man had lost two of his limbs at one point and _knew_ how the learning progress would go, probably gave him a pretty good idea about what Roy was going through. True, he hadn't lost one of his major senses, but that didn't make his own loss any less traumatic at the time. Not to forget that while he couldn't see anymore, Roy still was able to move on his own. It really was a question of what would have been harder on him and he decided he really didn't want to know.

So, after realizing that Ed wasn't going to make him feel like someone who couldn't even go take a dumb on his own, he relaxed somewhat.

It didn't take them long to find a place for Ed to sleep and for the two of them to go on a tour through the house. It was… odd to say the least. They would go from room to room together, the shorter of the two of them telling Roy what he saw and the black-haired man would put a name to the room. All in all he had to say it was like the blind leading the blind.

Only that there was no real _leading_ going on. The blond never touched him, walking about a foot beside him. Near enough to be there if the older man needed help, but showing that he wouldn't take shit from him.

At the end they ended up in the kitchen together. It was there that Roy's trust was really put to a test for the first time. No matter how well he was adapting to being blind, cooking was something he had never excelled at. And without his eyes it would be one tricky bit to learn. He had no doubt that he would over time, but for now it would be better to let someone else do it.

… only that he really had no idea if Ed even _could_ cook. The teen had told him that he was quite passable, but the older man had his doubts. After all, on more than one occasion in the past he had been able to observe the younger alchemists eating habits. He would eat just about _everything_ when he was hungry enough or left to his own devices. Roy had little doubt that his own cooking was in the same league – edible enough that neither of them would suffer from food-poisoning (at least the older man hoped it would be good enough for that), but not a whole lot better than that.

However, seeing that there was no way for _him_ to cook right now, he would either have to trust the younger man or go to bed without any food in his stomach. And while he would be able to miss one meal, the next few days wouldn't be any better. Ed would cook and that was that. Better to get it over with right now so that, if it really was as awful as he feared it would be, he could hire someone else for the job as soon as possible.

While he waited for the blond to finish, Edward told him about how everyone was and what changes were brought on by the new Führer. The way he spoke of the new Führer Olivier Armstrong told Roy that while he might not have exactly _voted_ for her to become Führer, he was impressed with how she handled things. And the black-haired man was glad by that. It was necessary for the country that someone was in power who would bring on some changes. If that someone would be him or someone else didn't matter – the end result was the important thing to keep in mind.

It didn't take long for dinner to finish and the older man realized for the first time that _eating_ was going to be a challenge in and of itself. Something that seemed so easy, something everyone did everyday… but without two eyes to see _what_ it was you were going to eat this would probably be a bit… complicated.

"Here." Ed told him as he put a plate in front of him. And then, before Roy could even thank him, he continued. "It's just mashed potatoes and some fried sausage. But the doctor recommended starting with easy foodstuffs, so I thought this might work best for starters."

The taller man felt a relieved sigh working its way through his throat, though he managed to repress it from coming out. Making sure his gratitude showed on his face he then 'looked' in the general direction he thought Ed to be in.

"Thank you."

He wanted to add that as long as he wouldn't die from the food he would have been happy, but the teen had gone through all this trouble just for him – he really should cut him some slack. And not only for the food. He essentially had put his own life on hold to come here with him and to help a man who wasn't even exactly a friend.

That thought made him frown somewhat, but it was the truth. Over the years they had come to respect each other in their own, unique way, but what they had shared was only a working relationship at best. It was only now that the black-haired man realized that this really was a pity. There were very few people only who would be able to understand him as good as Edward. They both hadn't let themselves think about this, having to put their goals over their personal wants, but now, that everything was over, maybe it was time to think about where this could lead. All in all, Roy was pretty sure that, once they would get over their need to tease and taunt each other in snarls and sarcastic comments, they would be able to find that they have quite a lot in common.

But that was something they would have to take their time with discovering. For now the blond had moved in with him to help him. There was no way he would stay less than a few weeks. Therefore it was the perfect opportunity to see if they really could be friends. If not… well, then Fullmetal probably would find someone else who would be happy to help him out and get away from him as soon as possible.

While he was musing about his odd relationship with his subordinate, he found that he had already eaten a lot of what had been on his plate without even tasting it. Smirking to himself he had to realize that it couldn't have been too terrible – otherwise he was sure he would have noticed. However, just out of curiosity he concentrated with the next few bites, wanting to know if his assessment was correct – and found that now that he concentrated, he actually had problems balancing the food on his fork. Growling in frustration he tried two more times until a small mouthful of mashed potatoes actually stayed on it long enough for him to guide it into his mouth.

Grinning in triumph he tasted the food, now securely put behind his lips, and found to his great surprise that it was not only passable, it was by far better than anything he would have been able to make. It was only mashed potatoes, but even in their simplicity they tasted great.

"You cook better than I thought you would." He commented, trying his daring feat of getting some food on his fork again.

"Thanks." The blond answered and Roy could hear the slight amusement in this voice. Obviously he had known about the older man's reluctance of trying anything he had made.

"My mother taught me and Al as she was still alive, and after her, Granny took up the role. Back then I never really took to it, but after teacher made Al and me stay on this island for a whole month we actually started to think about these lessons again. And once I joined the military and realized that, while the food here will keep you alive, it doesn't exactly taste all that good, I started to make my own whenever I had the chance. So I've had plenty of exercise over the years."

That certainly was something the taller man could relate to. He never had been a fan of the stuff the military called food either, though he had taken to either eating out or getting take-out in the evenings. It was rare that he actually would take the time to cook himself something.

It was one of the first of the many puzzle-parts that made out Edward Elric, and he put the newfound knowledge safely away. He hadn't expected the teen to open up to him so easily, but he certainly would welcome it. So far it looked like this could actually work out.

~*~H~*~

The next few days they spent mostly inside the house. It was a slow progress for Roy to re-learn where everything was or how to go through his usual routines. Just brushing his teeth or showering proofed to be quite interesting when you couldn't see what you were doing. But all in all he had to say that it could be worse. He was adapting and so far neither he nor Ed had felt the urge to strangle the other. They had had their share of minor arguments, but nothing that could even compare to the arguments they had had in the past. So the black-haired man dared to call them their 'little signs of affection'. Though he certainly didn't plan on ever admitting that part aloud to the teen.

Edward, for the most part, had been a supportive presence. Though he definitely had a word or two to say whenever he thought Roy was slacking off or falling into a pity-party. He would give him a few hours to come out of it on his own, but if he didn't then he would just get him and no amount of protest would help. The worst thing was, the most effective argument one could use in a situation as such didn't even hold true. Because Edward certainly _did_ know how he felt right now. The blond knew about the feelings of failure, the loss of goals, and the panic that stirred within him whenever he thought of the future. This was the one and only reason why Roy accepted his ass-kicking whenever one of these topics came up.

Nearly exactly one week after he had left the hospital, he was sitting in the living room listening to the radio as the younger alchemist came into the room. During these past few days Roy had learned that his other senses apparently learned to adjust pretty well, because his hearing had become a lot better already and he had been able to hear the teen approach the room long before he entered it. Though there were also down-sides to the adjustment. Nearly frequent headaches being one of them. The doctor had warned him about this being a possibility and that they probably would fade over time, but that didn't make them any less annoying.

He heard Ed laying something down beside him and turned into his general direction. He was still trying to figure out how one was supposed to exactly know where their speaking-partner was.

"Hey. I thought, after you've had quite a few days now to adjust, that we could start with your training." The blond offered and Roy could hear the hesitance in his voice. Though the older man couldn't find it in him to hold it against him. Over the space of the last few days he had reacted quite… interesting at times at suggestions like that. But before he could reply, Fullmetal already spoke up again.

"I know that if it was me, I would go stir-crazy in your place. With not much else to do other than thinking I mean. So I thought we either should start on your new alchemy training or maybe you should learn to read again."

Putting on a look of mild interest, the black-haired man laid his head a bit to the side, showing the teen he was listening and – so far at least – not against the idea.

"Personally I think it would be better if you learn to read again first. I tried it out during the past few days and it's actually not that hard. You shouldn't have much problems adapting to Braille. And it will make everything else later on easier when, instead of having to ask someone for information, you can just read up on it again."

"You actually learned Braille yourself?" Roy had to ask, not really getting why Ed would do such a thing. After all, he could still read just fine with both of his eyes. He nearly felt the nod the younger alchemist gave before he apparently remembered that the other couldn't see it.

"Yes. I thought it might be easier to teach if I already know how to read it. And this way I can probably learn to write it as well. It's a bit tricky, but I should manage." The black-haired man had no doubt about that. So far they hadn't come across something Edward couldn't learn.

"So I take it the book that you had put down as you came in is for my first lesson?"

"Exactly. Nothing major for starters, just learning the alphabet again and stringing easy words together. I've asked some of your men to find a few more complex alchemy-related books in Braille, but until they get them we'll have to make do with this. Especially since right now, you wouldn't be able to read them anyway."

That made sense, even though it rattled his pride. Having to learn the alphabet again just like a kid wasn't something he was looking forward to. But he had to agree with this course of action. There eventually would come a time when he would live on his own again. And he might be able to find something to do for a few days, over the course of the rest of his life he was bound to get bored sooner rather than later.

So he nodded his head in agreement and turned further around, making sure the blond understood that he found this idea acceptable. And over the course of the next few hours he started to feel like a first grader again. An experience he hoped he would never have to re-live again.

Though if he had to say one good thing about it at all – Edward made one hell of a teacher, he had to admit that much. There was little doubt in his mind that he would be able to read on his own just fine in a few days if his current progress was anything to go by.

~*~H~*~

It took him only slightly longer than Ed to learn Braille, earning himself one of the younger Alchemists rare and weird compliments. But he didn't mind the slight sniping comment that came with it – it was a compliment nonetheless. And coming from Edward it was one of the highest praises he could imagine.

Once he managed to read relatively fluid again, the blond managed to turn up with the first few books that he had found – or so he said – making Roy nearly giddy in anticipation. After nearly two weeks of doing nothing but thinking and listening to music, reading _anything_ was a welcome change. That Ed had managed to turn up some books about alchemy in Braille made him hard-pressed to be eternally grateful to his young subordinate. Though the younger man's comment about that maybe he should mention to Hawkeye that giving him paperwork written in Braille would actually work now made him change his mind again quickly. Maybe he didn't want to read just _anything_. He was just fine with books for now, thank you very much. Though he had the growing suspicion that Fullmetal didn't buy his excuse of having to make sure that he was _really_ fluid with Braille first for one second.

The next few days passed in a pleasant silence for the most part, while he found that even after having been in the military for over a decade now, his love for reading hadn't vanished at all. Not having to concentrate on anything but the book in his hand, no plots to think about, no people to watch… He had to admit that if this was what life was going to look like from now on, it wasn't as bad as he had feared. Not having eyes to see made most things even more intense; reading became a picture-show in his own mind. That was something that surprised him at first, but he quickly became pleased by the sensation. Every word he read translated into a picture in his mind, making him realize once again that everything had its ups and downs.

He was slightly ashamed to admit that it took him nearly all three of the books that Ed had given him before he realized what the younger Alchemists intentions were. At first he had thought Fullmetal had simply searched for books that focused on fire alchemy because it was a pretty safe bet that Roy would like them. But the more he read, the more he realized that while fire alchemy may be the focus of these books, it wasn't the _fire_ part of it that was taken apart. Only after he read about the molecules parting the air and finding obstacles did he realize that in his own, subtle way, Edward had already started to prepare him for the next step of his instructions.

But that wasn't the only thing he realized. The more he read, the more it became clear that if he had read about this even a few weeks ago, he wouldn't have been able to comprehend even half of the theory. It wasn't that he was stupid – far from it. He may not have Edward's genius but even before his brush with the gate he was considered one of the best alchemists alive. But the theories that were written here were basic at best. They build up on fantasies and speculation, without any hard evidence. The authors theorized about what _could_ be done, but no-one had ever managed to actually make it work. Before he had gained his new knowledge, no matter how involuntarily it was, he would have simply taken the author's word for a fact and not bothered to try further. While it would bother him, not solving a mystery, as a high-ranking officer in the army he simply didn't have the time anymore to experiment.

Now however… it was different. His new knowledge helped him understand and to read between the lines, made him theorize on his own and shake his head about how some of the authors totally misunderstood some concepts. It made him understand for the first time how Ed must have felt all this time, reading his way through books written by alchemists who were mediocre at best. How frustrated he must have become at their apparent stupidity, not because they were really stupid, but because he knew so much more than them.

Finishing the last book he put it down with a thoughtful frown on his face. He had read enough theory for now to start making his own, to start experimenting. This was the part that would show how good he _really_ was at adapting. His first thought had automatically been about how he was supposed to write down arrays when he couldn't see. It was then that he realized that he was still thinking inside the old box. If it was true what Ed had said – and he had no reason to doubt him – then he shouldn't need arrays anymore. However, he wasn't going to just try and experiment with alchemy as long as he had no idea about how it would react. This was the part he definitely needed help for. And as much as it rattled him to _ask_, yet alone ask _Ed_ of all people for help, he knew there were few people out there other than him who actually knew what he was supposed to do.

Standing up he walked out of his study, searching for his elusive house-guest. He had to admit, as long as he didn't need Ed, the blond usually made sure to be out of his way. This was more tactfulness than he had ever expected of the younger man, but it seemed like there was still a lot he didn't know.

He found him in the kitchen at last, standing on the stove and cooking lunch for them. While he had started to teach Roy the basics of cooking again, he usually still took care of their meals during the day. It was an arrangement they were both more than ok with. Though the older man had to admit that, on his part at least, it had mainly to do with the fact that Ed cooked better than he ever had.

Before he could even open his mouth to say something he could feel the slight amusement coming in waves from the teen's direction.

"You figured it out, huh?" the younger man asked, not beating around the bush. There weren't all that many other reasons as for why he would search for the blond during this time of the day.

Roy snorted.

"You have definitely spent too much time around me when you start plotting without letting other people know that you do. Though I have to admit that you managed to sneak this up on me quite well."

"And you definitely don't know me as good as you think if you think this is a recent development. I rarely do anything without thinking it through further, and plots like this have been my specialty for years now." The younger man countered. The words came easy and full of confidence, so that the black-haired man had no reason to doubt them. Still, it was hard to believe that they actually shared one of his most distinctive characteristics. Deciding to give the teen the benefit of the doubt for now, he nodded. It would have been easy to start one of their arguments now, but right now he wanted to ask the younger Alchemist for a favor – it wouldn't be good to piss him off first.

"So when you know why I'm here, you probably also know what I want to ask you." He challenged, imaging the slight grin that would hover over the other man's lips.

"Actually, I have a pretty good idea. After all, I never questioned my ability for circle-less alchemy. But you've had more years of learning it otherwise. And the thought of having to test it out without a way to control what you did doesn't seem too comfortable for me. Back when I first used it I didn't think about it – I just did it. If I hadn't I probably would have lost Al, but thinking back on it now I realize that it was pretty reckless."

This was more information than he had gained ever before about that night. It was shared in such an easy manner that it made him think about how comfortable he and Ed had _really_ become over the last two weeks. Before that last fight the teen would have rather bitten off his tongue instead of sharing such personal things with his commanding officer – Roy was sure about that. Or was it because he considered it already part of his teachings? No matter the reason, the black-haired man was happy for the insight.

He nodded in answer to the blond's words.

"Exactly. I thought that maybe you could supervise me while I try it out for the first time. After all, I have no way of knowing what I'm doing until I'm actually doing it." He speculated.

"That's where you're wrong. Before every transmutation I already know what I'm doing. You need to learn first to actually understand the knowledge in your head. By now it should come relatively easy for you, but I have no idea how your mind works, so you'll have to assess that for yourself. Maybe, if you're uncomfortable with trying it out, you could write it down in arrays."

"And how am I supposed to do that? In case you have forgotten, writing with ink or chalk doesn't help me anymore. And it would take too long to actually learn writing in Braille." He snapped back angrily. He knew that Ed didn't intend to overlook his new condition, but it was annoying anyway. If he could do things like he normally would, he wouldn't ask for help after all.

Hearing the stove getting turned off he wondered what the younger man was up to until he felt him coming closer.

"Sometimes I really wonder how you ever made it to Colonel, Bastard." Ed told him in a slightly condemning tone, making Roy nearly _hear_ the lifted eyebrow that went with it. "I never said anything about you writing it down with a pen. I know that you _have_ to know the basics about print-alchemy. Just take the whole thing to another level. It doesn't always have to be about words. Arrays work the same way. You just have to transmute the small holes into the paper instead of spreading ink. It should be even easier actually."

The black-haired man clenched his teeth to repress the snapped reply that wanted to come out. Edward was right – this was actually a pretty good idea. It wasn't exactly 'by the book', but hadn't he already realized that Fullmetal rarely did things like they were supposed to?

He heard a light clap and then the flash of alchemy at work, felt the tickle of left-over energy prickle at his skin. Then the shorter of the both of them took his hand and guided it towards a simple sheet of paper. On it were the distinctive stubs that he had started to recognize with Braille. Carefully he let his fingertips glide over the holes, realizing that without much help of his brain, his mind already supplied him with the picture of the array that was written down on it.

"What…?" he asked confused before he started to 'look' at the array some more, figuring out some of the designs and marveling in its simple genius.

"I thought that maybe you needed a little more help in figuring out what kind of array would be needed to copy your thoughts down on paper." The tone was arrogant, but Roy knew that, this time at least, he had earned it. He had let his frustrations get away with him and made himself look like an idiot. He had to remind himself once again that Edward was used to thinking like this. If there wasn't an obvious way – make one. If you can't do it with the tools you have, find a way to make sure you get the tools you need. This way of thinking was one of the many things he had admired Fullmetal for. For someone like him, who had spent his whole life going at things by the rules, making sure to only break those that wouldn't be looked at too closely, this was mind-boggling. Maybe not the array in itself, but the whole of what it represented.  
This definitely was something he needed to think about some more.

Before he could leave the room however, he heard the distinctive clatter of plates and cutlery. Edward was obviously setting the table. How much time had passed?

"If you think you can manage to drag yourself away from your thoughts, maybe you're up to eating?" the blond asked him, but his voice wasn't sniping anymore. More like a gentle reminder that he was still there. "Afterwards we can look at your ideas together and maybe arrange for someone to drive us outside of the city-limits tomorrow. I really don't fancy the thought of you accidently setting fire on some of the houses around here while you try out your limits." The last was said half-jokingly, making Roy realize that Ed was really thinking about the consequences of their actions while trying to take away some of the tension that had settled in the air between them.

Managing a tight smile he nodded, a show of thanks and appreciation. He knew that the younger man would understand him.

~*~H~*~

After lunch he sat down with a stack of papers, 'writing' down his theories. It was surprisingly simple to transmute his thoughts to the paper, even though he still used the array Fullmetal had given him. He had seen Ed doing this before, but he had never thought that one day he would actually do it himself. For most alchemists, the act of transmuting an array without actually activating it was considered a high art. What would they give to know how easy it actually was once you had the right knowledge behind it?

Roy wasn't stupid. He knew that while he may have gained the same amount of knowledge from the gate as Ed, he still wasn't on the same level. Sure, he probably was superior when it came to fire-alchemy, but anything else? Edward had had years by now to get used to the knowledge in his head, combining it with new theories and old texts that he had read. He had taken the knowledge and, instead of being happy with it, turned it into the base of something even higher, some form of alchemy that was nearly blinding. For the longest time he had to – even with the knowledge from the gate he hadn't been able to pull his brother's body back. But even afterwards… Fullmetal was a sponge when it came to anything alchemy-related. There was no way he could ever know enough.

'And not only alchemy', Roy mused, thinking with some amusement about how greedily the blond had learned about Braille.

No, while there was little doubt in his mind that maybe one day they would reach the same level, for now the teen was still more adept in using his new-found knowledge. Giving him this array had only proved that. He might have come up with it sooner or later on his own, but Ed had given him the right incentive, the push in the right direction that he had needed.

Interrupting his thought to put another one of his theories down on paper, he looked up as he heard the soft food-steps of the younger man entering the room once the alchemic crackle faded.

"You mind me taking a look at that?" he heard the blond ask and smiled to himself slightly while pushing the pile of already finished arrays toward the other. Ed might pretend to only be here to help him because he thought it was the right thing to do, but his own thirst for knowledge and the need for someone to talk over complex theories still made it a win-win situation for him.

"Be my guest. These are just some theories I came up with, but I think they are a good starting point. I want to have a few different ones ready to try out tomorrow. It would be pointless to drive all the way out of the city only to go back once my first try fails."

He heard a faint, distracted noise coming from the teen, realizing that Ed was already immersed into the arrays and wasn't likely to hear anything he might say. At another time this might would have been irritating, but now he just found it amusing.

Once the younger of the both of them had looked through all the different arrays, he handed them back, showing Roy that he was now ready to discuss the material.

"You focus pretty heavily on the manipulative part. Do you really think this is the right approach? I mean, the molecules are supposed to tell you something. As long as you manipulate them they can't very well tell you much about anything."

The black-haired man frowned slightly in concentration as he thought the words over. The concern was pretty valid, he had to admit. But there was still something else.

"Not necessary. It depends on how I want to make this work. If I want to just 'feel' the obstacles out, then you're right. However, if I want to know precisely where something is, then I think the best approach would be to push the molecules until there is some resistance. I don't know yet if I'll be able to _know_ when that happens, but that was my initial thought to the whole thing. However, you might have a point in a more practical way. I probably should be able to do both transmutations. I don't always need to know where _everything_ around me is, but I also won't need the exact placement of everything all the time."

He could practically hear Ed nod.

"That would probably be for the best. However, if this is your goal, then maybe something more like this would be better." He replied and a second later Roy heard the telling sound of him clapping his hands together before putting them down on paper and giving it to the older man. Quickly taking in the changes on one of his original arrays, the black-haired man nodded thoughtfully. Edward had only made minor changes, but like this the stream of molecules would be more focused, more direct.

Smiling in the general direction of where he thought the blond to be he expressed his thanks. He had to admit that this was kind of… fun. Just sitting here and discussing theories, debating over fine points and making the other see your point without regressing into their old sniping. It made him only all the more aware that for the first time in a long time, he actually had someone here with him who really understood him.

Only remembering that the whole thing wasn't a permanent arrangement, that Ed wasn't going to stay once he was independent enough again, held him back from expressing his enjoyment in a more vocal way.

In a way this was a bitter-sweet torture, even more evil than the loss of his sight and goals. Life showed him what it could be like, but didn't give him any way to make it a constant. Showing him a fleeting dream just before dousing him in ice-cold water.

He had always hated water before, but that thought made him loath it all the more.

~*~H~*~

They both had stayed up late into the night, discussing different theories and arrays. In many ways they agreed, but there were also some finer points where they both had their own opinion, spending hours trying to make the other see their point.

It was nice, to just let the time go by like this. At the end they were both shocked about how _much_ time had passed, both of them having forgotten about dinner long ago.

The next morning found them up early, despite their late night. They were both eager to test theories and get some facts to base their musings on. It took Ed some time until he finally found someone willing to drive them and the curses he breathed had the ominous sound of him actually thinking about learning to drive himself. Roy really wasn't sure if that was such a good idea, letting the volatile blond free to roam the streets, but he had to admit that right now it would have helped them. Driving was something he would never be able to do again, so much was clear. And having someone near with the ability could come in handy.

Once they were well outside the skirts of the city they sent their driver away after agreeing on a time to get picked back up, not wanting to have any spectators. What they were going to try here was personal, and even though for Ed it probably was mainly out of pure interests sake, for Roy it was so much more. He didn't have any illusions about getting it right on the first try, but his ability to 'see' ever again would depend on what they learned today. They couldn't know about how well their theories would work until he tried it.

Taking a deep breath, the older man tried to settle some of the nerves that had come up during their drive here. It was ridiculous, to be this nervous about some tests. But he couldn't deny the need within him, the need for this to work. He knew that, if it came to it, he would be able to cope without his sight. But he didn't _want_ to. This was more or less his one and only chance to ever regain even a fraction of his sight and his whole body hummed with the need for it to work.

"Ready?" he heard the blond ask, interrupting his own thoughts. Nodding he took another breath before answering in a more vocal manner.

"As ready as I'm ever going to be. How are we going to do this? Is there anything nearby that I could use as a focal point?"

His question was met with a few seconds of silence before he heard the typical clap of Fullmetal's alchemy and felt the ground softly shake beneath him.

"Now there is. I transmuted four different landmarks in your immediate surroundings, all at a different distance away from you. They are all big enough that, if it works, you should have no trouble finding them. We can work on smaller things later, but for now this should work."

At the word 'small', the black-haired man had to bite his tongue, wanting to let out the short-joke that his brain automatically supplied, but he knew that right now his focus should be on something different. Even though it probably would be good to loosen up some of his shaking nerves.

"Ok, how am I going to do this?" he asked instead, trying to concentrate on the task at hand.

"You clap while imaging the array you want to try out in your head. And then you just… _will_ it to happen. It's hard to explain, but try to look at it no different than when you activated one of the arrays on your gloves. Even with written down arrays, an alchemist has to will something to happen after all. Our alchemy works the same way, only that you don't need the assistance of writing it down. Just use your body as the array and your imagination to fill in the seals."

Hesitating for only a few seconds, Roy took the advice and set to work. His clap was definitely less sure than the ones he usually heard Edward use, but he still wasn't too sure about the whole thing. Then, with the first array in his head, he held them out towards the air, willing the molecules to oblige his will.

At first he thought nothing had happened. There was no noise that told him about any changes, nor did he feel any difference in the air. But before he could press his hands together for another try with a different array, Ed spoke.

"Not bad. I'm not sure what you felt, but you definitely set something in the air off. There was the definite glimmer in the air as if it had heated up considerably. Not exactly the effect we had hoped to archive, but a start."

Feeling his hopes rise slightly, the taller man nodded.

"I thought nothing had happened. Though if it only made the visual change we need to rethink some of our theories. The array needs to feed information right into my head – I can't take the information from the air."

He could hear the slight noise that told him that the blond was chewing on his lip – a noise he had come to recognize over the past few days. It was faint but it made him smile nonetheless.

"Try to take out the elements for visualization for now and instead put in a seal that forms a bridge between body and air. I'm pretty sure this won't be the perfect solution, but it should tell us if we're on the right track."

It was a good idea, though Roy had to agree on the end result. This wasn't going to be what they were searching for, but right now it was all about trial and error.

Repeating the transmutation he already felt a lot surer about it than the first time. And this time he definitely felt something. It was like a small pull, but it didn't push him anywhere. It was more like as if a thread had been formed between him and… well, _something_. He told Ed as much and could practically hear the grin in the younger man's voice.

"Good. Now we need to make this connection more precise. You already felt it, now it needs to tell you what it connects you to and how long it is."

Thinking the words over, the black-haired man had an idea, and, without first consulting it with the other, tried it out. This time the connection was stronger, not as fragile, and he could feel a shape at the other end of it as if he was leaning against an invisible pillow, molding his body against it. Grinning to himself he told Ed about his new findings.

"That sounds good. What did you change?"

"I made the same changes within the transmutation as I usually do when I use a wall of flame. The transmutation is the same, but the molecules need to be more focused, more concentrated. I use my thoughts to press them together or guide them apart. One little thread may be enough for me to gauge how far I am away from an obstacle, but I need something more substantial to tell what it is."

"Which means that you can tell something is there at least. But that doesn't change the fact that the transmutation needs to be more precise." He stopped himself, as if thinking something over before speaking again. "What you need is an inner measuring tape. I have a feeling that this will have to be in your head; something you have to visualize while applying the transmutation. It probably will become more instinctive after a while, but for starters you'll need to concentrate on that additionally."

Roy made a grimace, but he saw the logic behind it. He couldn't transmute a measuring tape into the air out of nothing, and even if he could, he wouldn't be able to see it. It probably worked similar to his 'sensing' of objects – something he had been surprised about as it first happened. His doctor had explained it to him, but it was still something he wondered about sometimes. Whenever he came within reach of something, it was as if he 'felt' where it was. The bigger the object was, the easier it became. As if his skin had an invisible shield that told him about anything entering it, making him sense it out. It had taken him a few days to gauge the sensations correctly, but by now he had a pretty good idea how far something was away from him as long as it was within the area of this 'shield'.

Taking up that theory he tried to apply it to the next array. This one he based on the one used before, with the change of taking some molecules out and focusing on others. It would take a while to figure out with which or in which combination it would work best, but as he realized before – at this stage they were going nearly solely at trial and error. They had ideas, theories, but they needed to get tested.

So he prepared for a long afternoon of trying one array after the other while transmuting the next one.

~*~H~*~

Later that day, after the driver had taken them back home, he let himself warily fall back onto the couch. It had been a while since alchemy had actually taken so much out of him. And they hadn't even tried the trickier arrays they had thought about.

His tiredness probably came mainly from the concentration he had to use, combined with the fact that it had been a very repetitive transmutation. Add to that that only a few weeks back his body had had a major shock and it was no surprise that his usual stamina had left him.

Not that Ed had commented on it. After realizing for himself that the older man was reaching his limits he had suggested simply sitting down and discussing their results some more, no trace of judgment in his voice. And as soon as they had come home he had vanished into the kitchen with the promise of dinner while letting the black-haired man have some quiet. It was stunning how… _considerate_ the blond could be if he wanted.

Yet Roy still wondered about _why_ he was doing it. Ed had said that he was the only logical choice, but that didn't mean that he had to like it. As he had first temporarily moved in here, the older man had fully expected jibes and jokes at his expanse whenever the younger alchemist could sneak them in. Fullmetal wasn't exactly known for his tact, after all. But with the exception of a few, mutual arguments, the teen had stayed quiet. He had been a steady presence, sure in his instructions and supporting in his lectures. And no matter what, Roy couldn't figure out why.

It drove him crazy, this not knowing. He had always prided himself on his vast knowledge of information, making the gathering of it into a new art form. Yet, this one boy totally threw him off.

There were some reasons that his heart suggested, whispering in hushed tones, fearing to be heard but wishing for it all the same. His head usually argued against it, not believing in such an outlandish possibility. But the more time went by the voice of his heart became more sure, making its standing known. His body knew what it wanted and only waited for his head to catch up and realize it was fighting a lost fight.

But… what if it really was? A lost fight that is. Even if he allowed himself to hear the voice of his heart, to give in to his secret longings… what good would it do? He had no way of knowing if his theory was correct. It was like with alchemy – he couldn't know anything for sure until he tried it. And as inviting, as _alluring_ the thought sounded, what would happen if he was wrong?

Would he destroy all that they had?

Would his selfish desires shatter the tentative trust that had formed between them?

Would his yearning body repulse the only person who could understand him?

It was a risk he wasn't willing to take, not yet. He was still far from being independent again, and Ed had sworn to stay until he was. Not to forget that the younger alchemist hated leaving a puzzle unsolved. There probably was no way he would go until they had found a way for this new alchemy to work.

He would wait a bit longer, try to find out more about the blond. There were still many pieces missing that made out the enigma that was Edward Elric. Maybe with some luck he would find the ones that would tell him what he needed to know.

~*~H~*~

Dinner was a quiet affair, neither of them feeling the need to speak and both lost in their own thoughts. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence. More like a quiet understanding between two troubled souls. As Ed had cooked a call had come in, updating him on the health of his brother. Alphonse was doing better by the day, but he was still a long way away from having a healthy body. Roy knew that it bothered the blond, knowing that his brother wasn't in perfect condition. That even after all they had been through, Al still had to fight. But he also knew that there was nothing he could really do.

And again the question of 'why' formed in the front of his head. Why was Ed here instead of in the hospital? Why did he stay even as his brother was so vulnerable? He might have said that Alphonse was perfectly ok with just Mei and their teacher there, but the older man knew better. Never before had the teen trusted someone else to keep his beloved brother safe. Never before did he have priorities above the need to protect his only family left alive.

He decided that it was time for some answers.

"Why don't you go and check up on Alphonse after dinner? I'm sure I'll manage for one night on my own." He suggested with a neutral tone.

There was suddenly a tension in the air as if Ed had stiffened, trying to think of excuses against his harmless words.

"He will be fine. There is nothing I can do and we both know it." He answered defiantly, obviously uncomfortable with the topic. But Roy also could hear the silent longing beneath the words. The blond might deny for all his worth that he didn't want to be there, but he still wanted it. And the black-haired man hadn't gotten to the position he held for not listening closely.

Putting down his cutlery he 'looked' straight across the table, where he knew the other sat.

"Ed, why don't you tell me the truth? We both know that you want to be there. And don't tell me you don't, I can hear it in your voice. You might say he doesn't need you, but that has never stopped you before. I know that there has to be something else and you might as well tell me now."

He could hear the whisper of clothing and the shifting of a body – clear signs of nervousness. It surprised him that even without his sight, he could still pick up on the subtle signs.

"It's nothing, don't worry about it. I'm sure you have better-"

"Edward."

Silence. The word had cut through the air like a knife, effectively shutting the younger man's starting ramble off. A slight sigh was heard and Roy had to strain his ears to actually understand the next few words, better hearing notwithstanding.

"… fault of the bloody bastard… never should have… can't just back down…"

A sigh of exasperation pushed its way past the older man's lips and he frowned.

"Edward. I can't hear you if you don't talk to me with a normal voice. I know that you can do better than this." Again, the joke about a voice like a mouse's was on the tip of his tongue and again he had to bite it back. He really needed to work on his timing. But he would never get answers when he pissed the blond off.

As it was, he could already hear more shifting and the near-silent noise of grating teeth. Apparently Edward fought with himself to actually answer the question.

"Ed, I know that there has to be a good reason. Your brother has always been the most important person in your life. For you to go against everything you are about, just to help someone you can't even really stand… you have to admit that it poses some questions." He said, his voice gentler than before. He felt like he was trying to calm a skittish animal, but in a way – he was.

More noise of grating teeth, this time louder. But before he could say something again it stopped and he could feel a new determination in the air.

"Fine. If you really want to know, I'm here because it's my bloody father's fault that you have to go through all this. It's my fucking father's fault that you were forced to open the gate. Hell, if you want to get right down to it, it was even his fault that Hughes was killed! All you have lost; it's all the fault of my father. And while _he_ might not be around any longer to ask for forgiveness, I'm not going to forget about it."

Ed's voice had been just as defiant as before, daring him to make something out of it and there was a bite beneath it that made him blink, even though it was only a gesture anymore. Of all the things to believe…

Roy didn't know if he should laugh or cry or shout until the teen across from him saw some sense again. It took a great deal of control to do neither. He had seen how the Elric guilt-machine worked before. This really shouldn't be such a big surprise. Even if his heart felt like it might shatter with just another wrong word, he had to say something. But no matter _what_ he said, he couldn't let his conflicting emotions show.

"And how, pray tell, is it entirely your father's fault?" he asked at last, proud of how calm he managed to keep his voice. Better to find out the facts first before making wrong assumptions. Though he had a really hard time to belief that this whole mess could be in _any_ way be the fault of the boy's father.

"Hohenheim had once been a slave in Xerxes. It was only after some alchemists experimented with his blood that 'father' was created. Back then he was little more than an artificial life form in a test tube. Out of thanks for the blood the homunculus taught my father until he was a gifted alchemist himself. I'm not clear about what happened after, but the homunculus was apparently made to be an advisor, because people went to him to ask him about what they needed to do. One day the king of Xerxes came to it, asking for a way to live longer, to gain immortality. The homunculus promised him a solution and they created the first gigantic transmutation circle around Xerxes."

A sigh escaped the blond, making him pause in his story for only a few seconds.

"You know how the myth goes. Xerxes was erased in one night. It is true – they activated the array and within a few minutes the first philosopher stone was created. Hohenheim and the homunculus were the only ones who didn't get sucked in because they stood in the center. My father was not happy about what had happened, but half of the philosopher stone was within him. The other half was in the homunculus."

Another pause and it was quiet enough to hear a needle drop, but still, Roy didn't speak. He had a feeling that Ed wasn't finished. And he was right. Only a few heartbeats later he could hear another sigh before the blond picked the story back up.

"I'm not clear what happened then, but they apparently went their separate ways. Hohenheim went to Xing as well as to Amestris, searching for I-don't-know-what. All the while, the homunculus probably had already plans for the next step and was working towards it. There is no way of finding out. The only thing we know for sure is that at some point, he created the other homunculi out of himself, splitting parts of his personality off to form an independent new life form. And well, you know the rest. Al and I got to close to the truth, Hughes got killed for helping us and even more people got hurt, some more killed. Amestris had to suffer through wars solely started for the blood-shed that followed in their wake… all of that would have never happened if my father hadn't given his blood. And even if that wasn't voluntarily, making friends with the first homunculus led to all that followed. So yeah, it's my father's fault all this has happened. And therefore it's mine by blood."

It was… a lot to take in. But still…

"I think you are too hard on yourself Ed." He said at last, his voice barely more than a whisper. Feeling the angry snarl coming on he lifted one hand, asking to be heard before Ed argued the point.

"I'm not saying that what happened isn't something that will have consequences. I'm also not saying that I'm happy about any of it. And I'm definitely not happy about having lost my best friend as well as my eyesight. But what I _am_ saying is that none of this is your fault. Maybe it is easy to blame your father, and I can definitely see why you think that is the easiest course of action, but think about it for just one second, Ed. You said your father was a slave before he met the homunculus. If you were offered the chance to learn, to make something better out of your life, would you have said no? Wouldn't you have been grateful for the being responsible for your better life? Maybe Hohenheim is to blame in that he hasn't done anything after the disaster in Xerxes, but I'm pretty sure that every normal person would have been in shock after what had happened and therefore we cannot say this is his fault either."

He took a deep breath, calming himself. It would be so easy, to take the blame Ed placed on his father and to be eaten by it. To see everything that has happened as out of his sphere of influence. But he also knew that it was _wrong_. Sooner or later it would catch up with him again. Blaming someone else for it would only be a momentarily solution.

"And even if you don't want to count all that… Ed, what part of this is your fault? Is it your fault that your mother fell in love with your father and that they gave you life? Is it your fault that the man who got your mother pregnant had a less than perfect past?" Cutting himself off once again he shook his head. "No Ed. None of this is your fault. For most of your life, you haven't even known your father. You couldn't have known about his past for more than a few months now, if at all. There was no way for you to prevent anything that has happened afterwards. I know you – if there had been even the slightest chance, you would have tried. You gave it your best and you helped to save many many others. We can't know what would have happened if that creature would have gotten what it wanted. But I'm pretty sure we wouldn't want to find out."

"Still…"

"No Ed, let it go. Don't hold onto the guilt. You have carried the guilt of one night with you for years now, and now that you finally have found a way to reverse it you're looking for something similar, something familiar you can latch onto so that you won't have to look up and realize that your life has changed. You deserve better than that."

There wasn't another argument, but Roy could still feel the tension in the air. Edward wasn't going to let go of this easily, but now that he actually knew what the teen thought it would be easier to work against it. Only… he didn't know if the blond would stay once he had accepted the older man's words. Once he realized that he wasn't to blame of any of the hurt in Roy's life, would he just pack up and leave again?

He hoped not, because… God, the thought hurt more than he would ever admit. But really, what assurances did he have that it wouldn't happen? Ed had only stayed with him because of some misplaced guilt. Now that he wasn't bound by that guilt anymore, why wouldn't he rush back to his brother's side?

Fighting with his facial muscles for a neutral expression Roy stood up, swallowing the bile that threatened to rise in his throat. He wouldn't show the teen how dependent he had become, wouldn't let him know how much he had started to believe the reasoning of his heart already.

"I will call for someone to drive you to the hospital. I'm sure you want to see how Alphonse is personally." He said, managing to not sound bitter, and turned towards the door.

"Don't."

The word was quiet and thoughtful, but still forceful enough to make the taller man freeze. Had he really heard it or was his imagination playing tricks on him?

"Ed?" he asked, needing the teen to repeat himself, to assure him that what he thought he had heard was real.

"I said don't. I'm not going to say that you're right, but maybe… maybe you have a point. But that doesn't mean that I'm just going to abandon you. I thought… I thought…" The last four words had gotten more quiet as he said them, a desperate edge playing around them. Feeling his resolve to stay calm and collected crumble around him, Roy turned back around, his expression turning gentle.

"You thought what?" he asked, not pressuring, not demanding, but still purposeful.

"I thought that we had started to get behind all that. All our arguments… our need to keep up masks around each other. I thought we had finally started to let that go and become something like friends."

The black-haired man's heart fluttered slightly at the admission, wanting to believe there was more than what was said. But even if there wasn't, this was still a lot better than he had feared.

Feeling his lips curve into a smile, he went back to the table, making sure to stand directly beside the younger alchemist and looking down.

"I thought so, too, but before today I couldn't be sure. You just being here was something I couldn't explain to myself and when you said you're only here out of guilt…" he let go of a heavy sigh and shrugged. "I thought you might want to get away from me as soon as it got clear that I don't blame you for what happened."

He felt a tentative hand catching his arm, just above his wrist and tugging slightly, pulling him towards the blond.

"I'm not. Maybe at first I was, but after a while… I'm not here just because of the guilt, not anymore. We always had to play our roles in the office, but here, here we can just be ourselves. And… I don't want to lose that."

Ed's voice was on the edge of shaking, even though Roy would bet no-one other than him would be able to detect it. It warmed his heart just as much as the words he spoke did. Maybe… maybe there was a chance there.

Pulling slightly on his arm he caught the hand before it fell away, squeezing it slightly.

"Me neither. I don't even want to know where I would be now if it weren't for you. You have helped me in ways you don't even know about." He replied, opening himself up some more. The teen had bared himself to him first – now it was his turn. Maybe trust and friendship weren't based on equivalent exchange, but as alchemists, it was the easiest concept for them to recognize.

Squeezing the hand in his once more before letting go he smiled down at the blond.

"I would really like if you stayed. For as long as you like that is. I'm not sure what you're planning on doing, now that your goal has been fulfilled, but I want you to know that I don't mind you staying here while you figure it out. Maybe I won't need you to help me around anymore in a few weeks, but that doesn't mean you're not welcome anymore." He said before turning around again and leaving the room. It wasn't safe for him to stay. He was already dangerously close to admitting to something else, something so much deeper, and this wasn't the time.

One step at a time. Right now he still didn't have an idea if what he felt was something worth pursuing, nor did he know if Edward felt the same. It was safer to bid his time and trying to figure it out first.

~*~H~*~

They didn't speak for the rest of the evening, nor during the following morning. Roy mostly stayed in his room, going over their theories and findings of the day before again. They had agreed to let one day pass before trying again, letting him re-charge properly and giving them time to do other things.

He had agreed when Ed suggested the routine, but right now he felt like he should be outside, trying again. Every minute he spent over the arrays felt wasted, an opportunity slipping past him. It was ridiculous and he knew it, but their results so far had been promising and he felt this pull within him to try again; to get it right.

But he knew that if he asked, the younger alchemist would refuse. Even before yesterday, before their talk, he wouldn't have allowed for the older man to stress himself too much. Not while he was still healing and trying to cope with his new situation. If he wouldn't know better than he would think Edward had missed his calling as a mother.

That thought actually made him smile somewhat. He could actually see the blond as a dotting parent. Though he wasn't sure if the teen would give up his independence, his _freedom_ for something like children. Right now he was tempted to say it was impossible, but Ed had surprised him before after all.

Around noon his stomach made itself known and let him know that he had skipped breakfast, much to its disdain. The inviting smells coming from the direction of the kitchen only added to it, letting a loud growl escape around the general vicinity of his belly.

Deciding to admit defeat for now he laid the pages with the arrays to the side and got up, stretching his back and arms before finally leaving his room.

Ed was already in the kitchen – of course – and greeted him in a welcoming manner, making him smile in response. Maybe their talk yesterday hadn't changed all that much. Maybe they could still go back to how it was before.

"I checked up with Al this morning and Breda came by to drop off a few more books. I'm not sure if they will be of any help yet, but they should at least offer some more entertainment for you." The blond told him while stirring something by the sounds of it. He nodded as a sign that he had heard and sat down, wondering if he looked like he was watching the younger alchemist.

"I'll take a look at them after lunch. How is Alphonse?" he asked, genuinely interested.

"He seems to be doing ok. We actually talked about him leaving the hospital for short walks. There still needs someone to be with him at all times, but he doesn't need the wheelchair anymore. His muscles are strengthening by the day and the healing alchemy Mei uses on him actually seems to work. The doctor I spoke to is confident that he'll be able to leave the hospital for good within the next two weeks. There still needs to be someone around to watch after him, but he won't need permanent assistance anymore."

There was a proud smile in the blond's voice and Roy couldn't help but return it. While Ed had grown on him as a friend, Alphonse probably would always stay the little kid that needed looking after in his head. He knew it wasn't true – Al was just as capable of handling himself as his older brother was – but his innocent and childlike behavior at times woke in everyone around him protective instincts.

"I'm glad to hear that. Do you have already plans as for where he will go after he will get discharged?" he asked, innocently enough. He probably should leave the topic be, but he couldn't help himself.

Some of the positive energy left the air, leaving a slightly thoughtful hum behind.

"I'm not sure yet. You know that we've never stayed long in one place. He could go back to Granny Pinako and Winry, but I'm not sure if he would want that. We've both made friends around here – going back to Rizembool just feels… wrong. Sure, they are our family, but it still feels like running away from responsibility. Also, I have to stay in Central for at least a few years longer. Maybe the military is changing, but my contract still stands."

A sigh was heard and then the gnawing noise of Ed chewing his lip followed.

"I know it sounds conceited, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to leave my side. And Mei may go back to Xing for a while after he is finally well again, but it would be easier for her to find him again when she comes back if we stayed around here."

Roy could hear the indecision in the younger man's voice and before he could even think about what he was going to say he opened his mouth: "You two could stay here if you want."

As soon as the words left he froze, feeling the tension in the air rise again. Why on earth had he said that? But the words were already out, no going back now.

"I mean, I already told you that I wouldn't mind having you around for longer. And the same is true for Alphonse. He is very well behaved and I'm sure he wouldn't be a bother at all. Not to forget that he is an intelligent alchemist as well. I'm sure we could all get along well if we wanted to."

His reasons sounded shallow in his own mind, excuses that he had hastily strung together to not let the real reason show through. But if Al would come to live with them then Ed would stay, so much he knew. And maybe it was unfair to think like that, but he wanted the blond to stay for as long as possible.

The silence lasted for a few moments longer, before he heard a long drawn-out breath, sounding like a heavy sigh. Some of the tension left the air again and his shoulders relaxed. Edward was at least not going to blow up over this.

"I'll… think about it. I wouldn't mind it, but I'm not sure what Al thinks. I can't make a decision without him. And maybe you should consider this a bit longer too. Yeah, sure, Al always has been better behaved and the one with the good manners compared to me, but you were used to your solitude before this. Are you really ready to let us two invade your space for good? And please, think about it. You know we didn't have a home for a long time now and once I'm offering one to Al I don't want to take it away from him shortly after again."

Roy smiled to himself. Of course, Ed didn't know the _real_ reason behind why he wanted them to stay. It was very unlikely that he would actually reconsider. But to reassure the blond, he nodded.

"I will. You can put off the final decision of what to do until Alphonse really leaves the hospital and I promise to think about it for a while longer. But I doubt I'll change my mind. You two are pleasant company as long as we don't get into too many arguments. And having someone around who actually _understands_ what I'm saying… trust me, it has been too long since that had been the case."

Not that he had ever really felt as comfortable with anyone before Fullmetal. Maes had understood him on a whole other level and Riza, while trained in the basics of alchemy, simply didn't get his fascination for it. (1) They were still good friends, but it wasn't what he was looking for.

They let the topic drop after that, eating their lunch in comfortable silence for the most part, only interrupted by occasional small talk. It really was fascinating how they could discuss something in one second, argue even, and then let it drop the next, going back to business as if nothing had happened. Now that he thought about it, it always had been like this. They may have had their arguments in the office, but as soon as they came to more important topics they left them behind.

Maybe this wasn't anything special for anyone else, but Roy found that he liked it this way.

~*~H~*~

After lunch the older man had been prepared to go back to his room and brood some more over his arrays, but the blond had other plans.

"You can't spend the whole day in there. Take your notes to the living room and I'll take a look at them too. I'm supposed to help you, remember? I can't do that when I don't know what you're doing."

It amused Roy, the way Edward just told him to do what he said, not considering the fact that he had no right to do so. Though it probably wasn't helping that the black-haired man usually did what he was told simply because he saw the logic behind it most of the time.

The afternoon passed in the same comfortable way the one before yesterday had and the taller man found himself hard pressed to think about why that was. Since the night before he had tried to avoid thinking about his feelings, but now they already threatened to break through again. It was impossible to ignore them and so slowly he became somewhat annoyed with his inability to concentrate. It wasn't like it would change anything if he would just _agree_ with what his heart told him. So he saw no reason to set himself up for hurt as long as it was a possibility.

Maes words about ignorance came back to him, but he shoved them aside. His old friend had always meant well, but in some things he had just been too much of an optimist. And why shouldn't he have been? After all, he had found the person he loved and married her before everything went to hell. He couldn't possibly know about the heart-clenching fear Roy felt. The fear that once he opened his mouth and said something, _did_ something about what he felt, he would lose everything.

So, once again, he ignored the voice of his heart, telling him to just follow his emotions. As long as he couldn't know if he was right it was too much of a risk.

~*~H~*~

The next day, Roy was already up and about before Edward ever saw any reason to crawl out from under his blankets. Feeling the need to test his new theories burn within him, he hadn't slept more than a few hours. Upon realizing that he actually was up before his houseguest he also decided that it was time to try out how much he could already do himself. While he had gotten used to most things regarding his daily life and personal hygiene, _cooking_ was still something daunting. And while he didn't plan on letting the blond hand over his position as residential chef anytime soon, his independent streak wanted to know if he could do it.

He knew that Ed liked to keep the kitchen clean and orderly, contrary to any other rooms. The teen was a slob by nature, though the black-haired man had to admit that ever since he had moved in here, he had started to watch after what he left around. With someone blind around it was dangerous to just leave your clothes on the floor. It wasn't like the older alchemist could see them exactly…

So, after some reassurances that he could still find everything he would need, Roy set himself to work. He decided against anything too fancy for now, knowing he would only set himself up for failure if he tried. But something simple as scrambled eggs and toast should be manageable.

After putting the pan on the stove to heat he took out the eggs, counting them and deciding it would still be enough for two. Then, with a bit more caution, he started to knock them on the edge of the bowl until he heard a slight cracking noise. Pulling the shell apart he let the contents drop into the bowl below before repeating the process with the other eggs. This actually was easier as he had feared. As long as he concentrated on what he was doing that is. There was no way for him to know if he may accidently had dropped some of the shell into the bowl as well, but that couldn't be helped for now.

Hoping that Ed hadn't changed the order of his spices, he put salt and pepper into the mix, as well as some water and herbs; stirring the whole thing until he thought it would be enough. The pan was sizzling slightly by now and, with a hand cautiously held about five inches above, he deemed it hot enough.

Dropping the contents from the bowl into the pan, he started to stir with the wooden spoon he had found in one of his drawers. Once everything was to his satisfaction, he sliced the toast and got the table ready, occasionally checking how far along the eggs were. They probably would be a bit dry, simply because he couldn't see their consistency and therefore would cook them a bit longer than necessary, but that was another thing that couldn't be helped. With time he probably would get a feeling for it, but right now it was more about what he could and couldn't do.

He had just put down the plates on the table when he heard a slight shuffling noise from beyond the kitchen door and seconds later there was a surprised snort.

"You certainly seem energetic today." Ed told him before he was interrupted by a yawn. "This looks good." The younger alchemist added before sitting down on the table, apparently getting what Roy intended to do. Flashing him a grateful grin, the black-haired man turned back to the stove. It didn't take him much longer to finish with his preparations and sitting down himself, the food placed in the middle of the table between them.

"I hope you don't mind helping yourself, but I would rather not try to put some eggs on your plate and accidently miss." He added as some kind of explanation, grin still firmly in place. His spirits were up and there wasn't much that could destroy his good mood.

Not that Ed seemed to try it. The conversation was reduced to some grunts and unimportant comments while they ate and Roy was glad to find that while the eggs may not be perfect, they weren't bad either. It would have really put a damper on his mood if he would have managed to put either of them in the hospital with food poisoning. Though, to be honest, he was reasonable sure that the blond would have said something if he thought that they looked weird.

Their driver was supposed to arrive around mid-morning, which left the both of them with enough time to go over their notes once more. Last time the black-haired man had started to get a first feeling of the distance between him and the objects he used as focal points, but he hadn't been able to make out any shapes quite yet. Only vague ideas of how they could look like. They had mainly concentrated on that for now, deciding that his feeling for distance was simply something he would need to train. They both were relatively certain that they had gotten it right with the last few arrays they used in their theories, but again, they couldn't be sure before testing them out.

Once they were en route, the nervousness Roy had felt the last time started to creep up on him again. He wasn't sure why – this time he knew that at least to some extent, it _would_ work, but his nerves still crawled along his skin, making it hard to suppress a shiver. The last thing he wanted was for Edward to know that his nerves were going crazy.

They went back to the same place they had been to before, mainly because they saw no reason to change it. This time there wasn't any reason for him to wait for any kind of explanation or probing, so, once the driver had left and he couldn't hear the engine of the car anymore, the older alchemist took a deep breath and clapped, concentrating on the flow of energy within him and imaging the array he wanted to try.

Once he released the energy, he gasped. There was… _something_. Nothing he could identify, but definitely more than he had been able to feel before. What was more, it wasn't like he had _felt_ it. It was like something had put a hazy picture right before his inner eyes.

Grinning widely he realized that they had been right, that their theories were at least to some extent correct.

Encouraged he clapped again, trying the next array. It held a few changes around the color seals and while he had been against it as Ed first suggested trying it out, he was pretty sure now that the blond maybe could be right.

This time the picture was clearer, though still not perfect. It didn't hold any form of information about the distance though, so that may be a draw-back. Musing about what the reason for that may be, he explained his findings to the younger alchemist.

"We probably need to make the whole array more complex. So far we have tried to keep it simple, to not make it too difficult for you to use. But if we really want the desired effect of information _and_ a picture, we probably need to weave in another layer." Ed said after a few minutes of thinking it over at last, his voice hesitant as he suggested it. The black-haired man knew why. A more complex array would need more energy and therefore make it unlikely that he would be able to use it more than a few times after another. However, right now he didn't care.

"I thought something like that might be the case. Though… Do you have some paper with you?" Roy replied, his mind already working over the fact and new theories. Once the blond had handed over a stack of paper, the older alchemist put down his first theory and showed it the teen.

"Here. I think that we probably should make the picture the center, filling in the seals for information in the outer layers. Like this the picture should be more interwoven with the information and make the need for separate knowledge unnecessary. It still makes the array more complex, but we won't need another layer."

He heard Edward's fingers whisper over the paper, taking in the suggested array. It was fascinating for him how the younger alchemist seemed to be so at ease with Braille. After all, it wasn't like he depended on it like him.

At last he heard a surprised noise, with the underlying hint of respect. Apparently his theory had found approval with the blond.

"This is damn good; I dare to say it should actually work." Ed said at last, his voice thoughtful and already working out improvements. "You need to keep the flow of energy more fluid though. It won't change the result, but as it is now you'll need too much energy for the transmutation. Also, like this we might be able to work in some more accuracy with the colors and contrasts. Before we only added the picture around the edges, now we have more space for precision… Wait a second."

A clap was heard and the typical crackle of a transmutation followed before a sheet of paper was shoved into his hands.

"Look at the changes I made around the connecting seals. Like this you should only need a third of the energy you would have needed before."

Roy did as he was told, letting his fingers take in the information that was on the paper. Once the picture of the array was completely transferred to his inner eye, he let out a surprised snort.

Not only had the blond changed the connecting seals, he had woven some lines in there he didn't recognize. They certainly weren't typical for Amestrian alchemy.

"What…?" he asked softly, still puzzling about the changes.

"Ah, yeah. I forgot that the gate only gives out specific information." Edward interrupted his thoughts, a slight sheepish tone in his voice. "I put in some Xingian elements. Xingian alchemy has a better flow and connects more with the body. I'm not sure why I haven't thought about it before, but I'm pretty sure a combination of both alchemies would work better. Amestrian alchemy is more forceful, where Xingian alchemy is more subtle. Finer points are easier accented with the swirling forms they use." (2)

Now that the teen explained, Roy could see what he meant. What at first had seemed like confusing swirls and curls, were actually quite nifty connections between the seals. A grin stole its way to his lips.

"This is so crazy that it's actually genius." He told the blond, straightening out of his crouching position to try again.

This time as he clapped, he felt a warm hum drum through his body. Somehow his body already knew that something right was about to happen.

It only took him a few seconds to digest the information that was delivered right to his brain, but once he did a bright grin forced its way on his lips. The picture was still a bit unclear, but he could see nearly all the necessary details. Not as colorful as before, but there was enough information about that to give him a distinct idea of how everything looked. It was unrealistic to believe that his sight could ever be replaced, even by alchemy, but this was better than he had dared to hope. It was only one stripe of the surrounding area, not more than maybe twenty feet in distance and thirty feet in width, but after having lived in the dark for over two weeks now it was absolute bliss.

"…Roy?" he heard a cautious voice behind him, obviously trying to figure out what had happened and unsure about the use of his first name. It had happened before over the course of the last few days, but Ed still seemed reluctant about it, as if he wasn't sure he was allowed.

Turning around the older man realized that for the first time in weeks, he could actually do something he had wished for to the point of desperation. Taking another deep breath he clapped again, releasing the power into the air. Something blurred before his inner eye, making the picture take on form.

Like before, the details were still missing, mingling the blond's face into a maze of something alike to skin color and two dark yellow dots. The same shade of yellow framed the head, shifting slightly and vanishing behind something red.

Roy's grin changed into a gentle smile as he reached out, watching something that probably was supposed to be his arm enter the picture and grasping some of the loose strands.

"You left your hair down today." He said, a simple statement that held so much more. He could hear Ed's gasp, but the picture was already beginning to fade, making him frown and growl in frustration. It was unavoidable – he couldn't feed the air energy indefinitely. But right now he wished he could.

However, before he had a chance to clap again, to rebuild the picture he wanted to see most, a hand closed around his, squeezing it. Ed didn't say anything, but he held the older man's hand in place before shifting his hold slightly and placing it on his cheek.

"You don't need your eyes to see you know." He said softly, causing a shiver to run down the black-haired man's back. He knew what the blond suggested, knew what he meant, but he couldn't believe that he had actually heard right. That Edward had given him his permission to touch him.

Slowly he lifted his slightly shaking second hand, placing it on the teen's other cheek. For a few seconds he just let both his hands rest there, unsure of how to proceed. But then, as he realized that Ed wasn't going to come to his senses and push him away, he started to move them, letting them slide over the soft skin beneath his fingertips, taking in every curve and texture he met.

It was a guilty pleasure, getting to see like this. His body sang with the knowledge of Ed allowing him, actually _encouraging_ him to do it and he couldn't help his slightly elevated breath.

His fingertips found their way to the younger alchemist's eyes and with wonder he realized that they were closed, trusting and relaxed.

This was the last push he needed. Damning all his logic and reasons to hell, he reached out and pulled the teen against him, folding his arms around him and burying his face in the curve of his neck. He was shaking slightly, out of need and fear, but then Ed's arms closed around his back after some hesitation and he let out a shaky sigh, realizing that he had held his breath.

They stood like this for a few minutes, neither saying anything. The blond had laid his head comfortably against the black-haired man's shoulder and it was obvious that this was where they both wanted to be.

At long last, Roy pulled back again, letting his hands linger on the teen's shoulders; not wanting to let go. A smile played on his lips and even though he couldn't see it, he knew that if he could, he would find its mirror-image on Edward's face. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to express, to make sure the younger alchemist knew that he _meant_ this. But only two words found their way out of his mouth:

"Thank you."

And even though his body was still humming with unused energy, wanting to do so much more, somehow he knew that for now, it was enough.

~*~H~*~

They hadn't done much more after that. The driver had arrived a few hours later, taking them back home and while the air between them was comfortable, Roy couldn't help but wonder what would happen next. They hadn't spoken about what had happened, but somehow he knew that whatever he had felt, this _connection_, hadn't been one-sided. Nor has it been a simple act of friendship. What he had done was the opening move for more, only he didn't know what _more_ exactly entailed. Edward hadn't said anything so far, something that should worry him, but didn't. He could feel that the blond simply didn't see any reason to talk. Apparently for him everything was clear.

And maybe it should be for him as well? They hadn't kissed or done anything more obvious like that, but the way he had touched Ed, had embraced him and had gotten held in return… it had spoken of so much more. Maybe they really didn't need to talk about it. Maybe all he was supposed to do was feel.

At long last, they arrived back at home and the front door closed behind them. Roy still didn't know what he wanted to do next, but before he could figure it out he heard the shuffle of a coat getting hung up and felt a hand gently reaching out and squeezing his before letting go again. A touch meant to reassure him of the other's presence, he was sure of that.

"I'm going to make dinner. If you want you can go relax or look at the arrays in the living room. I'll come get you once I'm finished." The blond told him, acting as if what he had just done was completely natural.

So, instead of confronting his confusing feelings right then and there, he nodded and turned around to go and do as the younger alchemist had suggested. He knew he probably wouldn't get much of anything done, but maybe some time to just sit and think wasn't such a bad idea.

Sitting down he rubbed his eyes, suddenly more tired than he should be. This was new territory for him, in more than one aspect. Not only had he never wanted someone like this before, the _purity_ of his feelings confused him. It wasn't like he didn't want Ed in a sexual sense – oh God, did he ever. He could admit that much to himself now – but it wasn't his main objective. What drew him towards the teen the most was his mind, his personality. While not all too long ago he would have said that Fullmetal didn't possess even one fraction of common sense or wasn't able to consider others, he knew better now.

Edward wasn't all foul language and brash behavior. This rather repugnant seeming personality only served him as a shield from the world. When seemingly everyone was out to hurt you and the ones you try to protect, you start to develop ways to portray an image of not caring. You hurt them first before they hurt you and whenever they get a lucky hit in, you grin and flip them off, not letting them see how much they hit a nerve with you. It was a simple tactic, but effective.

The _real_ Ed, the young man he had fallen in love with over the course of the last few weeks, was so much more. He was considerate and caring, protective and well-meaning. His mind was a bright star on a dark winter's night, glowing and guiding the way even during the direst times. He wasn't above helping those that couldn't even dream of ever reaching his level and didn't think any less of those who asked for assistance. And while he did know how much of a genius he is, he didn't brag about it. Well, not all the time at least. His moral code was exemplary and no-one and nothing could make him change his mind if he didn't want to.

Which was also one of the reasons why Roy just _knew_ that no matter how deep there was still some residue guilt about what his father had done, Edward would never just give in to something he didn't want.

"You're brooding, aren't you?" the blond's voice came from directly in front of him, making him start. He hadn't even noticed the object of his affections coming into the room.

A sigh could be heard and then Edward sat down beside him, closer than he would have normally sat, but still not quite touching.

"Why do you always have to make everything complicated?" the younger alchemist asked, but Roy could hear the affection beneath the reproachful tone and it made him smile somewhat ruefully.

"Maybe because I realized that for the first time in as long as I can remember I'm wishing for something that I know I don't deserve?" he retorted, trying to not make his voice shake.

He could hear another sigh and the quiet whisper of hair in motion that indicated that Ed had shook his head before he felt the cold steel of automail on his hand, interweaving their fingers.

"You're an idiot. If you think you deserve what is happening between us or not doesn't matter. I'm not here to judge you and while I didn't plan for this to happen anymore than I'm sure you did, I can't deny that there is something there. And I for one don't plan on simply ignoring it now that I know you feel the same."

The blond's voice was gentle and soothing, taking away the older man's fears and making him sag in on himself.

"You don't know what you're offering." He answered, his voice barely more than a whisper. He was met with an angry snort and a warm, flesh hand on his cheek, turning him around so that Ed could look at him.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that I do. Damn, Mustang, do you really have to make this more complicated than it already is? We both can feel that there is more between us than friendship. That won't go away simply by ignoring it, nor do I want for it to go away. I can accept that you might be uncomfortable to get something like this dumped on you right after losing your sight, but I don't mind waiting. The only thing I won't take from you is your damn game of hide and seek. I know you want me. I know I want you. It's as simple as that. Everything else can be worked out."

Roy wanted to believe him, he really did. But hope was a treacherous thing. Once he would allow himself to believe that he could have this there would be no turning back. He knew that he would break if this was taken away from him on top of everything else.

Before he could say any of these things however, he felt Edward shift closer until he could feel the blond's breath on his skin.

"If you can't believe in yourself then believe in _me_. I'm not going to leave you." These words, barely loud enough for him to hear, were all that it took. He could feel his already cracked walls crumble around him, making him reach out and enveloping Ed in his embrace once again. They had been spoken heavy with promise and the tantalizing hint of something more, something neither of them was ready to speak about. But more than anything, the knowledge that the blond knew exactly what he had been thinking about was too much. If this wasn't meant to be then he didn't know what to believe anymore.

~*~H~*~

Dinner had been a distant thought on their minds for the next few hours that had followed. They hadn't done more than just hold each other and speak of their fears and hopes, occasionally interrupted by some slow and sweet kisses. Roy didn't know anymore who had started it the first time, but one moment they were talking and the next they were kissing, lips moving against another, savoring every little taste.

They hadn't even used their tongues, but that didn't take away from the sensation. Contrary to all he had done before, the black-haired man had never known something so unbelievable beautiful and innocent. He knew that it wouldn't stay like this, that at some point their bodies would decide that they wanted to see some action, but for now he cherished what they had. Before, it had always been about sex, never about feelings. To have someone in his arms who meant so much more to him than his own life was revealing and frightening, liberating and encasing. He felt like he could let go for the first time in his life, but at the same time he felt like he needed to protect, to make sure no harm would ever come to the young man in his arms. It was confusing, but at the same time it made perfect sense.

However, this serenity couldn't last forever. Their stomachs growled in protest of having been forgotten and after some false starts they finally found their way into the kitchen, devouring the food the teen had already had prepared before he ever came into the living room. Afterwards they sat in silence for a few seconds until Roy could hear Ed standing up and coming towards him, feeling him take his hand and pulling gently.

"Let's go to bed." The younger alchemist urged, his words simple but carrying so much more meaning. They both knew that they wouldn't simply go to sleep. Maybe they didn't plan on having sex, but at the very least they would hold each other some more and share more of these sweet kisses.

Without needing anymore prompting, the older man stood up, following behind the blond as he was led towards his bedroom. There was no question which bed they would share – it had been clear from the very beginning.

Once there they slowly started to undress each other, pulling off shirts and pants. They left their boxers on for now, but Roy didn't know if that was intentional on both their parts or if it simply slipped their minds.

They sat down on the edge of the bed and the black-haired man felt Ed take both his hands, placing them on his cheeks like he had done earlier the day.

"Look at me." A gentle voice requested, an easy invitation that carried even more intimacy and the older man wouldn't have been able to resist if he had wanted to. Slowly he let his fingers glide over the warm skin, forming a picture in his head. It couldn't compare to his memory of his beloved's face, but it was the best he would get. He felt a pang of loss at that, but he tried to bury it before it could take roots. There was nothing he could do. Even with alchemy, his sight would never be perfect again. Maybe they would figure out to make the picture he saw clearer, but he was reasonable sure that it would never compare to having eyes to see.

The knowledge that no matter what they did, he would never be able to see any of the skin he touched again, would never see these expressive eyes looking at him, made him falter and his breath hitch. His hands fell away and he bowed his head, making it impossible for Ed to look at him in return. He could hear the blond make a distressed noise and felt a hand on his chin, trying to rise his head back up again. And while he didn't want to cause the blond any more distress, right now he was a prisoner of his own thoughts.

Why did it have to be like this? His mind had answers ready before he ever asked them – for him to deserve something so beautiful he had to give up something beforehand. Taking his sight from him was like equivalent exchange. And when he looked at it like this, could he really be unhappy about it at all? Would he give up what he was beginning to build with Edward only to get his eyesight back?

He didn't even need to think about that. The answer was a definite 'no'. They both knew that if he had never lost his sight, there would have been no reason for the teen to move in with him, for them to get to know the other better. Without this situation they probably would never have fallen for each other. And who knows what would have happened then? Would they have ever found happiness?

Even though the reasons were valid and he couldn't help being happy about some part of it, it didn't stop two tears to leave his dark, unseeing eyes. He could feel them running down his cheeks, like sparks burning their way across his skin, igniting everything they left behind.

"Roy?"

The voice was tentative and slightly scared, and finally he found the strength to look up again, baring himself and his tears towards the one person he could truly trust, letting Ed catch him in his arms. Lifting his hands he cupped once again the blond's cheeks, feeling the smooth texture below his fingertips and sighed, his lips curving into a smile.

"I'm ok." He told him, letting himself lean on the powerful body beside his own. There was no reason why he should hold up his shields, why he should hide his vulnerability. Ed wouldn't harm him; he knew that deep within his heart. And the warm arm that wrapped itself around him, pulling him closer, only confirmed that.

"Go to sleep then. You look exhausted." The blond told him, already letting himself fall back and pulling the older man with him. Smiling contently Roy let himself be moved; wrapping his own arms around the strong body he leaned against.

It didn't take more than a few seconds until he already started to drift off. His mind ready to let go for the first time since he lost his eyesight, trusting Ed to keep him safe.

_**END**_

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Ok, that was it *dies* I have to admit, I had planned to actually write to the point where Roy will go back to the military, but I liked this as a stopping point. Everything else just looked so… well, unnecessary ^^;; *shrugs* But for everyone who would like to know, yeah, he is going to master his alchemy and will go back to work. Maybe I'll write a mini-sequel about it sometime in the future, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. So… *shrugs some more* I hope you all enjoyed it :D ^____^

(1): Before anyone comes and asks where I got that from: No, I have no source for information on this. However, with her father being the one Roy trained under I find it hard to believe that she didn't have at least training in the very basics. I mean, if her father really was that good with fire alchemy he would have made sure that she at least understood enough to not get herself in danger, not to forget that she isn't dumb and _has_ to have learned something simply by spending time with her father and Roy. Maybe she just didn't show any bigger promise or interest in the science and that's why she didn't pick it up for good, but I'm confident that she knows at least more than an average citizen.

(2): Again, I have no existing information on this. However, it seemed logical to me. Whenever one looks at the typical arrays Ed and the others use, they mostly use lines and circles. And while Mei's usual array is pretty basic and seemed to be build after the same concept, I can imagine more complex arrays looking like that, with the swirls and all. After all, Xingian alchemy has a whole other focus and therefore I think they would match the natural flow of power more than the stiff lines. There aren't any straight lines in the nature; air curls and water swirls. Therefore my theory of why Xingian alchemy should look like that. Also, when one looks at Scar's tattoos it's obvious that they don't follow the same principles as Amestrian alchemy. Seeing that his brother combined both, the Amestrian and Xingian alchemy, it stands to reason that the changes come from the Xingian alchemy.


End file.
